5:46 am. Friday Morning.
Your phone rings on your bedside nightstand, filling your bedroom with the symphonic sound of whistles and plastic tapping against hardwood and keys. You lazily flail your hand across the empty space separating your bed from your mobile device, palm-slapping your Droid like a hand drum before grabbing and bringing it closer to your face. The bright lights from your phone appear to synchronize swim with each other before combining to form into something readable. You mumble, “why is she calling me right now?”, and your question is quickly answered. A high pitch, apparently excited voice takes command on the other end of the phone. “Hello! I’m gonna make this really quick! I’m pregnant, its yours, no Maury Show needed! I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea for us to get to know each other. How about you start by telling me your last name and street address so I can prepare our child support case! Anyway, call me back later, I’m about to get in line a few hours early for the new Jordans! Talk to you later! Oh yeah, Congrats!” She hangs up, and you roll over, burying your head in your pillow, attempting to assess everything that just happened. Damn, you have a real dilemma now. Who knew a one night stand could be the beginning of a nine month collapse?
A week has passed and you don’t feel any more optimistic than you did seven days before. Every person you vent to says some idiotic variant of, “why did you have sex with her if you didn’t want a baby?”, as if they have only had sex for reproduction and never for recreation. Don’t give up hope, brother. Nova Giovanni isn’t here to judge you, I’m here to help you get her unpregnant.
As you most likely know already, every woman on Earth wants to birth my baby, so I’ve created a Pregnancy Emergency Plan proven to work. The following are the top three techniques you should try when facing this issue:
1. Ask Her – This has been proven to be those most effective and drama free method. Despite what she said at first, if you present some good points, she may change her mind. Have her read statistics or watch a few hours of BET to convince her of why children these days need both parents to be fully prepared for them before arrival.
2. Keep Everything Professional – Don’t let her think that now that she’s pregnant with your child you two became the best of friends overnight. Let her know she gets no promotion for pregnancy, so if she feels like keeping a child is how she’ll keep a part of you; she is sadly mistaken. Also remind her that you’ll pay for the abortion.
3. Be No Good – After failing step 1 (Ask Her) and step 2 (,Keep Everything Professional), things get much more complicated. Now, you have to be the type of man your prospective co-parent would never want to father her child. Exhibit and exaggerate every bad habit imaginable until getting an abortion becomes her idea. This is a last resort and can result in her feelings being hurt and your reputation being attacked, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
If these techniques don’t work, there is a good chance you will be having a newborn in the near future. In that case, all you can do is face the situation as the man you are. Despite whatever details surround how the child is born, the child is innocent and deserves the best both parents can put forward. Therefore, put your pettiness behind you and prepare for your new baby. This might turn out to be the best mistake you ever made. I don’t even believe those last few sentences myself, but I hope it makes you feel better.
Wishing You The Best,
- Put On Blast: 17-Year-Old Ratchet Rapper Chief Keef Slapped With Them Child Support Papers By Teenage Baby Mama (bossip.com)
- Not what I expected.. (artsyprincess.wordpress.com)
- NBA’s Chris Bosh Wins BIG Against Baby Mama (oldschool945.com)