Who do you turn to when things get confusing or down right frustrating in your LOVE life? God, Your Mom, cousin, best friend? All of the above? Or, how many times have you heard something like this in your voice mail, over drinks or in your text inbox: “Girl, call me as SOON as you get off, let me tell you what (insert on and off again boyfriend’s name here) did THIS time”.
The listener and the deliverer of the “news” has a responsibility to uphold certain boundaries in all relationships concerned. The bearer of the news should stray from demonizing the subject of concern, and the listener should not be openly accepting of slander. Regardless of the fact that this is your friend or family, keep in mind, that some people are only searching for an ally outside of their situation. This behavior is simply not healthy for anyone involved.
HONOR THE CODE:
Before you runteldat, ask yourself; “with whom does my loyalty lie?” Is it with yourself, your friends, or your man? Lets make it easy for you: Loyalty to your relationship should be a PRIMARY concern of yours, otherwise why are you in it? Yes, he is frustrating and yes you are confused about some of the things involving this person you love so much. However, he is the one you chose! Running to anyone BUT him about the issues you have concerning him wont resolve anything. When you communicate that you need to resolve the said issue with him and he doesn’t respond in a compromising way. It is then up to YOU to make a decision regarding the direction you want to take it.
Too often, we as women revert to this victim role while dealing with a disagreement with the men in our lives. We sometimes feel a need to find an “ally” in our best friends, moms, and THE INTERNET! Have some loyalty about you! You’re sitting here telling EVERYBODY about the issue BUT the person you have the issue with!
DO NOT DEMONIZE HIM!:
You demonize him, exaggerate, or tell straight up true details of a situation that you were trusted with to keep to yourself. Now, after the dust of your lovers quarrel settles, you are back with the love of your life! Not with out injury however, to his image, in the eyes of all those people who sided with you when you were playing the “victim”. Now, if you are at all a considerate person, you have to worry about how your family and friends view your “boo”. Just because you were quick to forgive him because he bought you some “I’m sorry” flowers, shoes, or jewelry doesn’t mean your friends or family will be. I know you’re thinking “well, its not their business” or ” They are my friends they should just be happy and support my decisions” yes, that is all well and good and yes, to an extent, THAT is what friends are for, to listen to your problems. Just not painful details about your relationship!
YOU’VE BLURRED THE BOUNDARIES:
Once you have shared this information and sought guidance about it, it gives them a sense of “ownership” and or “stock” in your situation. What you are doing is blurring level of trust between you and your significant other. Your friends and family will see the lack of respect you have for your relationship and they will respect it less and less the more you bring your issues to them. As you continuously bring to them your issues and you are not realizing the detriment you could ultimately be causing between you and your significant other.
Who is to say that one of your more aggressive friends wont get fed up with the things you are telling them and decide to confront your man for you about his behavior. Now, he knows that you aren’t loyal to the relationship you two share. Although he may not show it, realizing you have been sharing his and your personal information with other people may leave him embarrassed, betrayed, and disgusted.
Your friends and family care about you and the last thing they want to see is you hurt. So, constantly coming to them with ALL the ways (insert on and off again boyfriend’s name here) has hurt you is going to weigh on their emotional state as well. After depicting him as such a monster, how could you expect your “ally” to give you an unbiased opinion or suggestion? Eventually, the love they feel for you will have them tell you “Leave that devil alone if he’s causing you such pain”
From who? EVERYONE that you involved!! Your “boo” who made “Po lil Tink Tink” (You) mad will feel angry and betrayed because you put him out on the streets as the devil himself so you could get victim points. Your friends and family(the ones who love and care for you) will feel burdened, saddened, and frustrated that you didn’t follow their advice. They won’t be able to help feeling some kind of hurt knowing the(miserable) situation you are walking back into. Lets not forget the INTERNET! Well, they are all gonna laugh at you…. b/c you spilling your issues online was a spectator sport for them because they don’t CARE and don’t wish the best for you anyway! Stop doing that!!!
To avoid all of these issues, remember that no two people will ever agree on everything everytime. and the ones we love the most have the power to push us to new limits we never knew we even had. When we do have disagreements with the ones we love, we tend to feel very alone. Embrace this moment of being alone as a blessing. Think, clear your mind to YOURSELF and examine your judgement. Remind yourself of what role YOU played in the current situation and examine whether or not he has your best interest at heart.
Keep your relationship afloat! Running into this instant victim mode will NOT satisfy the situation you are faced with. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of both of you to be happy or miserable in your relationship. Stop spreading your misery to others!!!! Especially when you KNOW you either have a good thing or you know that you will more than likely go back!!
With Much <3, Your Girl, Mira!!
Twitter – @mirafen
- Title-less But in a Relationship? A Black Woman Held Hostage (clutchmagonline.com)
- Carolyn Hax: Wedding looms with family members at odds (goerie.com)
- Relationships-Part I (brendamarroyauthor.com)