The things that women endure in life can make or break us. This is very true. We sometimes live our lives according to our past and our upbringing instead of living for today. Instead of learning from our mistakes, we yearn from our mistakes. Most women suffer from nostalgia. We want what we once had back. We want to go back in time and fix things and make it right. We want to be who we once were. We want a do over and life isn’t so. And then we hold on to our hurts, we sometimes find comfort in our pain and we stay there, too afraid of going for the gold, (our happiness), because we don’t believe we deserve it, or we are too afraid to lose it once again so we never bother going after it. We wear our pain as a badge of honor, ready to tell any man our story and how we got through it and what we will and won’t do ever again in life. With that behavior, we harden as time goes on. We hide behind the things that hurt us and we are afraid to be who we were born to be…women. But what you need to know is that, there ain’t no nostalgia to this shit. When it’s done it’s done and we have to learn how to NOT be emotionless, but how to move on. There is a certain grace period that a woman should have to mourn over a man. Acknowledge the loss, Accept it, Understand it then move on—Next 15 one coming. What we need to learn overall is that most of the things that happen to us are not personal, so we shouldn’t beat ourselves up. Sure, we are responsible for things we do, people we let into our lives etc. but we have no control over what people do to us! However, we do have control over how we react and how we allow it to affect our lives after it’s all said and done. We give “pain” too much power and the more we dwell on the hurt the more it dwells inside of us and the harder it is to shake that shit. Some of us wallow in self-pity because we think that it’s going to lure a man in to save us. WRONG. That’s not the kind of attention you want from a man. You are nobody’s sob-story. You are a success story! Move on from your past hurts and stand tall! Stop wondering what you did wrong and just acknowledge and accept that it is not working, whatever it may be! That bitterness your feeling is being felt by every and any one you encounter and then you wonder why you can’t receive love or happiness. Some of us are so mad and angry we don’t know how to speak like ladies anymore. We shut out anything good that is meant for us because we spit venom, we spit pain, and we spit resistance, all because of past hurts, fear, upbringings and insecurities. We’ve all been through hell ladies and with that being said, shouldn’t you have a blue print by now on how to get out of hell once you get there? I mean a woman who has been through hell and back should know her way around that bitch pretty well so she shouldn’t be there but for so long, should she find herself going through hell again. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop waiting around for someone to save you from this pain. You are the only person responsible for you, nobody owes you anything and nobody is going to give you a map and guide you out of hell. You have to find your way around that place and remember the short cuts for the next time you unexpectedly wind up there.
What you also need to know is that you cannot hide from yourself and your thoughts become your actions when you start believing it. Without even knowing it, we don’t realize how we’ve pushed people away from us because of our negative energy. That energy spews out of us whether we know it or not and someone with the opposite energy will go the opposite way be it a new female friend or a potential mate. The people that are bad for us will be attracted to us because that is the energy that we give off. Eventually we find ourselves surrounded by so many people who are just as miserable as we are and we don’t think anything of it. We think it’s the norm because there is no one around us to tell us that we are in a barrel of crabs. Women have gotten too hardened when it has always been our place to be graceful, feminine, and respectful of our minds and bodies. Every other word is fuck that nigga. We are running around here reckless without a purpose. Ask yourself what your purpose in life is and are you fulfilling it? The next time you decide to sit around and dwell on past pains, ask yourself if the person that hurt you is sitting around dwelling on how much he or she has hurt you. They probably aren’t.
A lot of our insecurities about men and friends stems from what we feel about ourselves inside and the things that we have done and allowed to happen to us. Once you have yourself in check you will then be more than capable of building solid and honorable relationships with others. Don’t ever tell yourself that you don’t give a shit about being in love or wanting that feeling again because you know and I know that it’s a lie and it’s poisonous to think that way. If you keep telling yourself that, you will inevitably begin to live that way and you will get exactly what you asked for! Every woman wants to be loved and bigger than that, we want to love someone. We deserve to love someone. It’s what we do. We love, we nurture, we nurse, we provide, we hug, we kiss, we make love and we adore. Don’t let anyone take the gift of giving away from you! In love, you have to take your chances and though it’s a crap shoot, it is what it is!
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right? And though it hurts, find out what went wrong, learn from it, laugh at your pain when you can. It helps to have people in your life that aren’t judgmental and that you can be straight up with. Hiding what you go through will do you more harm than good. Talk it out, let it out, get answers, different perceptions from people who understand you. Don’t be afraid to move on! Find the blessing in it all and always look at the glass half full! Maintain your femininity and softness and believe that no one deserves happiness more than you, So slow down and smell the roses, smile through your trials, dance in the rain and laugh through your pain. So long as you acknowledge, accept and understand what it is you have gone through you can move on and start over. Stressing and harboring anger makes you bitter and old before your time and once something goes sour there’s no sweetening it back up. Our grace, our ways, our touch, our mind, our words is what makes us women and if we lose that, we have nothing. You don’t want to surround yourself with individuals who have accepted defeat in one way or another, especially when you know deep down inside that you want to win again, or that you want to fulfill that dream, or that you want to rekindle that friendship. Our hearts are our joy and though we need to guard it and be mindful of who we give it to, it doesn’t mean to guard it so much so that nobody gets to experience the beauty of the love you have inside of you.
You have to take risks in love. No matter how great you think your mate is, they are human and they can hurt you so your job is to protect yourself by also being human and understanding that shit does happen and that when it does, you have to know how to move on. To give love is the greatest love, more so than receiving. It’s about balance and knowing yourself so that you can understand the people who are around you and in your life. Some heartache we can’t help; but some we can certainly avoid. It’s about being real with you! The blessing in being a woman is our ability to love over and over again even though we’ve been hurt over and over again. Don’t let anyone block that blessing! Once you Acknowledge your pain instead of trying to deny it, it will then force you to Accept it. Once you accept the issue that you are faced with then you can take the time to Understand it. Once you understand it, you can move on with that knowledge and take the necessary precautions to avoid having to go through it again.
Ayana Ellis is the author of King and I, Don’t Be a Dumb Bitch, King Me, Full Circle, Love Changes, Girls From the Hood 4
- Dickmatization: Casualties of War by Ayana Ellis (novagiovanni.com)
- Black Will Always Be Beautiful by Ayana Ellis (novagiovanni.com)
- Eight Things I Learned from Pain. (elephantjournal.com)